The Glue That Holds Two Hearts: Affection, Mercy, and the Marriage Hussein Would Recognise

🕯 A Grief That Will Never Cool

It is narrated that on one occasion the Prophet ﷺ was sitting among his companions when he saw his young grandson Hussein — only a few years old — running towards him. He placed the child in his lap, looked at him, and told those around him that verily, in the killing of this child lay a grief to come:

The killing of Hussein will cause a deep, burning grief in the hearts of the believers that will never cool down.

The Prophet spoke those words nearly fourteen centuries ago. And after fourteen centuries, these gatherings are a living testament to them. Everyone who attends the majlis of Imam Hussein, everyone who weeps for him, is the fulfilment of the Prophet's words.

This past year has been a difficult one for the followers of the Ahl al-Bayt. From Iran to Lebanon to Iraq to Yemen, many great personalities have been lost. It is right to acknowledge those sacrifices — and more importantly, to understand that those martyrs graduated from this majlis. They graduated from this school. It is the only school able to produce people who can truly resist oppression and resist the forces of evil that try to corrupt our souls and destroy our families.

🌿 The Family Under Assault

One of the great challenges of our age is that we live in secular societies that divorce God from public life. Almost everything in these societies is designed to erode faith, to sever our connection from Allah, and to undermine the traditional family unit. The family has been under assault for many decades.

And so, over these ten or eleven nights, the topic is one of the most important building blocks of human civilisation: the family unit. Everywhere I travel, I see families falling apart. It is no exaggeration that more than half of marriages end in divorce, and many children grow up in single-parent homes. We cannot be the civilisation-builders that Islam wants us to be if we cannot even preserve our own families.

When Allah speaks about marriage in the Qur'an, He describes spouses as sources of tranquility — we are meant to find emotional, spiritual, and physical comfort in them.

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا
Wa min āyātihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwājan litaskunū ilayhā
And of His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them. (al-Rūm 21)

Your spouse is supposed to be your refuge — the person you run to, not the person you run away from. But how many have truly experienced this tranquility? For many, it is just an abstract idea.

⚖️ Transactional Marriages and the Slow Erosion

In today's world, most marriages have become transactional. We share duties, divide expenses, raise children — and slowly we grow apart. People who were once madly in love can barely tolerate each other's company. Somewhere along the way the intimacy fades, the conversations dry up, the emotional warmth disappears. It does not happen overnight; it is a slow erosion.

So the question is: is divorce the inevitable fate of modern marriage? Or can the love and affection between husband and wife be rekindled? And if we want to salvage our marriages, who do we turn to?

Allah gives a powerful description of the Prophet in the Qur'an:

لَّقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِي رَسُولِ اللَّهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌ
Laqad kāna lakum fī rasūli-llāhi uswatun ḥasanah
Certainly you have in the Messenger of Allah an excellent example. (al-Aḥzāb 21)

That uswah is a holistic, comprehensive example. The Prophet is not only the one we turn to in order to learn how to pray or how to perform Hajj — he is also the one who teaches us how to nurture love in marriage, how to be affectionate with our spouses, how to keep mercy and love alive beyond the honeymoon phase. As the saying goes: if you see a husband opening the car door for his wife, either the wife is new or the car is new. During the honeymoon phase the affection is on full display — and then it dries out.

What made the Ahl al-Bayt so unique is that they were not only great worshippers; part of their worship was that they understood the language of love in marriage. Every woman married to the Prophet, even the less refined among them, loved him and was devoted to him. One of his wives, on her deathbed, made it her dying wish to be buried in the shirt he used to wear when he prayed. The Prophet knew how to give love and how to receive love in a healthy way.

📿 The Real Glue

Why do some wives emotionally check out after a few months, after a few years? Over the past decade, again and again husbands have come saying, "She wants a divorce — I have no idea what happened, everything was fine." But when you speak to the wife, you find she has been unhappy for a very long time. As the saying goes, some husbands only notice the fire when the house is already engulfed in flames. They are not attentive.

This is not about pointing fingers at the brothers — both spouses have to reform, concessions must come from both sides. But tonight, the aim is to humbly draw the attention of the husbands and help them understand the emotional world of their wives.

A wife generally does not seek divorce because her husband fails to provide financially. Yes, such situations exist, but more often the breakdown comes from something else. When Allah speaks of the marital bond, He says:

وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً
Wa jaʿala baynakum mawaddatan wa raḥmah
And He placed between you affection and mercy. (al-Rūm 21)

Allah did not say He placed between you a mortgage, or shared responsibilities, or children. The bills may keep you physically together; the children may keep you physically together — but it is affection and mercy that bring your hearts together. And that is exactly what tends to vanish over time.

So here are five factors — not an exhaustive list — that contribute to the emotional withdrawal of wives.

🌿 One — Not Feeling Seen, Heard, or Understood

After survival itself, the most basic human need is the need to be understood. It is painful to share your life with someone who fundamentally does not understand who you are or what you want from life.

A husband may protest: "I know my wife. I know her favourite food, her favourite colour, her favourite holiday destinations, I know she loves Hermès — which is why we're going bankrupt." But that is only the surface. Do you know what keeps her awake at night? What causes her stress — other than you yourself? What makes her feel secure and at peace? What she wants to achieve, what she wants her legacy to be? Those are the deeper questions, and the way to know them is to ask, to talk, to communicate.

When a wife shares a problem, the husband's instinct — because men are wired logically — is to fix it. But in many cases she does not want it fixed; women are very capable of solving their own problems. What she wants more than a solution is for you to care about the problem. To you it may seem trivial; to her it matters. It is a sign of maturity to care about the things she cares about. When she sits next to you watching a game she has no interest in, she does it because she knows you enjoy it — she is showing she cares about what you care about. That has to be reciprocated.

The Qur'an is profound here. A woman once came to the Prophet complaining about her marriage, and Allah revealed an entire sūrah in response. Before any solution, the sūrah opens by affirming that He heard her:

قَدْ سَمِعَ اللَّهُ قَوْلَ الَّتِي تُجَادِلُكَ فِي زَوْجِهَا
Qad samiʿa-llāhu qawla-llatī tujādiluka fī zawjihā
Allah has certainly heard the words of her who pleads with you concerning her husband. (al-Mujādalah 1)

The lesson: when people speak, affirm that you are listening, that you are paying attention. So number one — if you do not want your wife to emotionally check out, regularly check in. Ask sincerely: "How was your day? How was your week? What's on your mind? Talk to me." Show interest, listen, and resist the urge to fix first.

🌿 Two — Feeling Alone in the Marriage

The second reason is that many wives feel they are alone — carrying life all by themselves. You may come home every day, share the same bed, and still she feels she is shouldering everything.

There is something researchers call the mental load: the burden of remembering everything that needs doing for the family — doctor's appointments, school registrations, groceries, birthdays, pickups and drop-offs, the gas in the car. Often after marriage the wife quietly becomes the default manager of life. Men tend to measure contribution by effort and hours worked, and the mental load escapes us entirely. The result is that women become utterly exhausted. Want proof she is carrying it all? Visit a brother whose wife is travelling — you will find him like a refugee, no food in the house, everything in disarray.

There is a beautiful narration in which Imam Ali gives marital advice to his son. He says:

If you are able, do not give a woman authority over matters beyond herself, for that is more enduring for her beauty, more restful for her mind, and better for her overall condition. A woman is a fragrant flower (rayḥānah), not a managing authority.

This is not misogyny — the Imam is telling the husband not to overburden his wife with the management of the entire household. Do not let her carry the entire mental load. Why? Because it preserves her beauty and her peace of mind. Women can bear stress, but it does them more damage; men are better built to carry that type of stress. (Take on the mental load, and you'll save a fortune on plastic surgery.) The Imam continues: be accommodating with your wife, not tyrannical; be flexible in everything that is not haram or unethical — but be firm where halal and haram are concerned. Be a good friend and companion to her, because both of you are on a journey to Allah. If a husband proactively makes it his job to unburden his wife, he gets to enjoy that feminine energy which is itself a source of healing. If you want your wife to live in her femininity, your masculinity dictates that you unburden her.

There is another beautiful narration. One day the Prophet entered the home of Ali and Fatima. Fatima was standing over the pot cooking a stew, and Ali was washing the lentils — helping with the domestic chores. The Prophet said:

There is no man who helps his wife in the home except that Allah rewards him, for every hair on his body, a year of worship.

— and, the Shaykh noted with humour, given how much hair Middle Eastern men have, that is some seventy billion years of reward. Why such an enormous reward for so simple an act? Because this is what preserves the marriage and prevents its breakdown. And to anyone who feels it is beneath him to clean, cook, or wash a dish, the Prophet said:

None serves his family except a ṣiddīq.

A ṣiddīq is one who becomes the embodiment of truth, a witness of truth, one for whom Allah wants the best. Read the stories of the martyrs, ancient and modern, and you will find they nearly all share one thing: they were always at the service of their families — and Allah crowned them with martyrdom. So get into this mindset: you are the head of the household, but you are a servant-leader of the household.

🩸 Three — Harshness

The third thing that causes wives to emotionally check out is harshness. Nothing kills intimacy and love in a marriage like harshness and rudeness — when a woman feels unsafe in her own home. Some wives live in constant fear of their husbands, walking on eggshells, afraid of how he will react, terrified the volcano will erupt. And there are men who are proud of this — who see the silence when they walk in as a sign that they "run the house."

This is not what the Prophet taught. When he walked into his home, even the most disobedient of his wives never feared he would abuse her, physically or verbally. Look at what Allah says about the Prophet:

وَلَوْ كُنتَ فَظًّا غَلِيظَ الْقَلْبِ لَانفَضُّوا مِنْ حَوْلِكَ
Wa law kunta faẓẓan ghalīẓa-l-qalbi lanfaḍḍū min ḥawlik
Had you been harsh and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you. (Āl ʿImrān 159)

Even the Prophet, with his perfect intellect — had he been harsh, the companions would have scattered. If harshness would have driven away the companions, imagine the damage it does to a spouse.

There was a great spiritual teacher (murshid) from Iran, Sayyid Abdullah, who passed some years ago. His son recounted in an interview that as a wedding gift his father — a calligrapher — wrote out for him a hadith reported from Imam Zayn al-ʿAbidin, the last advice Imam Hussein gave his son before his martyrdom on the Day of Ashura. Hussein hugged his son, bade him farewell, and said:

Beware of oppressing one who has no helper against you except Allah.

The son understood: his father was telling him that now this woman is your wife, it does not mean she is under your control to do as you please. Many women live in homes where, truly, they have no helper except Allah. Remember that she is someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's niece — and if you wrong someone's daughter, Allah will let you taste it through your own daughters.

The Shaykh recounted a dream: a pious man, recognised by all as godly, passed away. A friend saw him in a dream, seated in a garden, and said, "I see you enjoying the blessings of Allah — no surprise, you were such a good man." The man replied: "Yes, alhamdulillah, but every single day a scorpion comes and stings me." Why? "In my earthly life I used to use harsh and hurtful words with my wife, and I never asked her forgiveness. This scorpion's sting is a manifestation of what I did." Do not imagine that because you did it ten years ago it is gone. Nothing is gone. Everything is preserved.

🌿 Four — Criticism Without Appreciation

The fourth reason is criticism with no appreciation: households where every mistake is noticed but every sacrifice is ignored. A wife may cook, clean, and raise the children for years, and the husband comes home and notices only that the house is not quite clean or the dinner is not on the table. He never noticed the years of laundry, of meals, of taking the children to the doctor. This kills the love in a relationship — when only mistakes are seen and sacrifices are never acknowledged.

A great scholar, the author of a renowned Qur'anic commentary that he spent more than twenty years writing, once pointed to his wife and said it was she who allowed him to reach that level — she sacrificed so much, bringing him tea in his library, leaving him to research, running the entire household. He said:

By Allah, any book I write in my life — half of its reward belongs to that woman.

Sometimes just a single word of appreciation is enough, because every human being wants to be appreciated. Husbands want it; wives want it. It is human nature. The Prophet was deeply appreciative of Khadijah — he used to say, "I was blessed with her love" — and he honoured her not only in her life but after her death. Whenever a sheep was slaughtered, he would say, "Send some of the meat to the friends of Khadijah," because, he said, "I love anyone who loved her."

Imam al-Baqir narrates that a man once came to his father, who asked him, "Are you married?" The man said no. The Imam replied:

If I were given the whole world and everything in it in exchange for spending a single night without my wife, I would rather spend the night with my wife.

So if Allah has blessed you with a spouse — even with all her imperfections — be grateful. Many people come home to empty homes and empty apartments. Be grateful you have someone to share your life and its experiences with.

🕊 Five — When You Stop Pursuing Her

The fifth reason a wife emotionally checks out is when the husband stops pursuing her. The romantic gestures end with the honeymoon phase — no more flowers, no more sweetness, no more romance, no more kind loving gestures. It should not be that way. The men of the Ahl al-Bayt were loving and affectionate, and they continued to court their spouses long after marriage.

The Prophet used to tell his male companions:

A man is rewarded for placing a morsel of food in the mouth of his wife.

— a romantic gesture — and he added, make sure it is food she actually likes, not something she dislikes. Allah rewards you even for this. The Prophet openly expressed his love and affection, speaking of how dear Khadijah was to him, saying that whenever he came home carrying many burdens, the moment he looked at her all the grief and sorrow would subside.

They taught their followers how to be loving and affectionate. Many do not know that Imam Hussein used to compose poetry about his wife Rabab and his daughter Sukayna. He said:

By your life, I love a home in which Sukayna and Rabab reside —
I love them both, and to them I give most of my wealth,
and no reproach from any blamer will bring blame upon me.

The love was not only in Hussein's heart; it was on his tongue. No matter what anyone said, he would never stop loving them and never stop giving to them.

These are the men of the Ahl al-Bayt. One day Imam al-Baqir was wearing a flowery garment, something he did not normally wear. One of his companions saw it and smirked, then left. The next day the Imam said to him: "You saw me wearing that garment and there was a smirk on your face. The reason I wore it is that my wife likes it when I wear it. She adorns herself for me, and I adorn myself for her." These are the lost teachings of the Ahl al-Bayt — and we need to revive them. The garment was probably not the Imam's favourite, but he wore it because his wife liked it, and she did the same for him. This is what love is. This is what loyalty is.

🪦 Rabab's Vow

When a man shows that kind of love to his wife, rarely will you find a woman who does not appreciate it. After the martyrdom of Imam Hussein, Rabab lived only one more year. She never remarried, saying: after having had a father-in-law like Imam Hussein's father, I desire no other father-in-law. And when she returned to Medina, she made a vow that she would never stand, sit, or rest in the shade — because her husband, Aba Abdillah, lay on the plains of Karbala under the scorching sun for three days. Out of her devotion to him, she lived the rest of her life never standing under shade.

This is what happens when we are more attentive to each other — this is the love, this is the bond.

🌙 Where Do You Begin? — The Eve of Muharram

This is the eve of the first of Muharram. Where do you begin when you want to speak of a tragedy of this magnitude? In a narration, the Imam gives a sense of the oppression the Ahl al-Bayt faced: Muharram was a month in which, even in the pre-Islamic era of jāhiliyyah, it was forbidden to shed blood, to make war, to take prisoners. Yet in that same sacred month, their blood was shed and their women and children were taken captive. The Imam says that the day of Ashura caused their eyelids to become injured from how much they wept over what happened to Hussein.

It is narrated that one day the Prophet came home and said to his wife, "I am going into my room — I do not want anyone to disturb me; I want to worship in private." She stood at the door and kept everyone out. Suddenly she saw the young Hussein run into the room; she tried to stop him but could not. After a few minutes she could hear the Messenger of Allah wailing. She asked, "O Messenger of Allah, why are you weeping?" He said: Gabriel just came to me and told me that this Hussein will be slaughtered in a land called Karbala — and he showed me the soil of that land. The Prophet took that soil, gave it to her, and said: there will come a day, many years from now, when this soil will turn into red blood. When it does, know that my beloved has been martyred in Karbala.

Imam al-Sadiq describes the magnitude of that day: after the martyrdom of Hussein, the seven heavens and the seven earths wept for him. All the inhabitants of the heavens and the earth mourned and wept for him. Even Paradise cried for Hussein; even the Hellfire mourned for him. Everything Allah created — that which can be seen and that which cannot — cried and mourned for Hussein.

And then the Imam would say to his companions: why do you not visit Hussein? Why do you not go to his grave? Four thousand angels encircle the grave of Imam Hussein, weeping for him until the Day of Judgment. There is a narration of angels whose tears, were Allah to set ships upon them, would let those ships sail for all eternity.

A poet once came to the Imam to eulogise his grandfather Hussein. The Imam said, "Recite." When the poet, following the custom of sending condolences to the mother of a stricken family, began to address the women, the Imam said, "Stop." He called all the women of his household and said, "These are the daughters of the Messenger of Allah, these are his granddaughters — I want them also to listen and hear." And the poet continued to recite, and the gathering dissolved into mourning for Aba Abdillah al-Hussein.