The Silent Heart of a Husband — and the Family at Karbala
🌿 The Words Men Never Say
Every man enters marriage carrying his strengths, his weaknesses, his private struggles, and his silent yearnings. And one of the deepest challenges many husbands face is that they do not verbalise what they need from their spouse.
Many men grow up believing that to express and to communicate is a sign of weakness. From a young age they are taught that masculinity means bottling up your emotions, not voicing your needs, not communicating. That mindset breeds misunderstanding. So many husbands feel that their needs go unmet — not because their wives don't care, but because men struggle to speak their needs, and the wife is left unable to detect the signals.
Tonight's reflection — built from a decade of conversations with brothers around the world, and woven together with the Qur'an and hadith so that it rests on a religious foundation — is an attempt to give voice to the most ignored and neglected needs of husbands. Not an exhaustive list, but ten things husbands wish their wives knew. If we are to live together as husband and wife, if we want harmonious marriages built on love and mercy, we must understand one another's needs.
⚖️ One: Respect Matters as Much as Love
For a husband, respect matters as much as love. In fact, men equate respect with love. When a wife disrespects or undermines her husband, he reads it as a sign that her love is fading.
This does not mean blind acceptance. It means recognising an Islamic principle: that in a household, someone carries the role of head of the home. This does not make him better than his wife — it means he carries the most responsibility, and that he should be treated accordingly. Practically, a wife should not make major unilateral decisions without consulting her husband, without seeking his opinion and his point of view. You may shower him with all the affection in the world, but if you never even afford him the courtesy of asking his opinion on important matters, you have missed one of his most fundamental needs.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said something that may shock you — a hadith found in both Shia and Sunni sources:
لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِراً أَحَداً أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِغَيْرِ اللَّهِ لَأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا
Law kuntu āmiran aḥadan an yasjuda li-ghayri-llāhi la-amartu-l-mar'ata an tasjuda li-zawjihā
"Were I to command anyone to prostrate to other than Allah, I would have commanded the wife to prostrate to her husband."
We know that sujud belongs to Allah alone. So what does this mean — and what does it not mean? It does not mean a wife must unconditionally obey her husband. We have many narrations that if a husband pressures or commands his wife toward something haram, she must disobey him. Unconditional obedience belongs only to Allah, the Prophet, and his family.
In Arabic this device is called mubālagha — hyperbole. The Prophet is highlighting that if you want a healthy, happy marriage, you must treat your husband with respect and reverence. After marriage, the one with the greatest right over a wife is no longer her mother or father — it is her husband. If her father asks one thing and her husband another, priority goes to the husband, provided it is not haram.
This is never a claim that the husband is superior. History is full of women who stand far greater in the sight of Allah. Obedience and respect do not imply superiority. A son is obligated to be dutiful to his father — yet the son may be greater before Allah than the father. The obligation exists to preserve the sanctity and stability of the relationship, not to rank one soul above another.
But a wife might ask: Shaykh, you've never met my husband. He has these bad qualities. How can I respect someone with all these negative traits? We are not speaking of extreme cases — not the criminal, not the abuser. We are speaking of the average believing husband: decent, flawed, but generally good.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
جِهَادُ الْمَرْأَةِ حُسْنُ التَّبَعُّلِ
Jihādu-l-mar'ati ḥusnu-t-tabaʿʿul
"The jihad of a woman is to be good to her husband."
There is a reason he called it jihad — a sacred struggle — because it is not easy. There will be days your husband annoys you. He probably annoyed you on the way to the majlis. Your husband does not need to be infallible for you to respect him. When a sister says, my husband is not worthy of such reverence — true, he is not a chosen one of Allah. But news flash: neither are you Fatima al-Zahra (ع). He does not have to be exceptional to be given respect, just as you do not have to be a perfect wife to be provided for and protected.
A woman once came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and asked about the right a husband holds over his wife. He said the husband's right is great, that he has many rights. She asked him to name some. He mentioned that a wife should not observe a recommended fast — not Ramadan, but voluntary fasting — without her husband's permission, because such fasting can deprive him of his conjugal rights. You may think nearness to Allah is found only in fasting; sometimes it is found in making yourself available to your husband. For the greatest form of disrespect, in the mind of a husband, is to deny him intimacy — it makes him feel small and insignificant.
He also mentioned that she should not leave the house without his permission. Rarely does any decent brother demand a wife ask permission for every errand — but the point is that the home is not a hotel. A husband should not be left in the dark about where his wife goes and what she does, especially when there are children. Allah has given the father guardianship over the children, which means a mother — even as a mother — should not make unilateral decisions about them without consulting her husband.
Too many husbands feel they have no voice, that they sit at the bottom of the totem pole, present only as an ATM, asked for money but never for an opinion. This is not right. Believing women: have respect for your husbands. He does not need to be perfect — the Prophet was speaking of average men.
🕯 Two: Silence Does Not Mean Something Is Wrong
A wife once worried: my husband comes home from work and sits in silence for an hour — I think our marriage is falling apart. No, sister, it is not. You have no idea what that man has witnessed and carried through his day.
Silence is not rejection. Men sometimes need silence to decompress, to sit with their thoughts. This is how most men process their day. Women generally find relief in talking things out — Allah created them that way. Men often find it in stillness. And if you could open your husband's mind in those silent hours, you might just find empty space — nothing at all.
So if your husband falls quiet, give him space. Do not pressure him to talk when he doesn't want to. Do not read his silence as rejection, or you will manufacture needless conflict. After a few hours, check in gently to make sure all is well — but as a rule, do not be offended by his quiet. Men simply process things differently.
🕊 Three: He Craves Affection Beyond Intimacy
The third thing husbands wish their wives knew: he craves physical affection beyond intimacy. Most men will never admit it, but a hug, an embrace from his wife means more than she thinks. These small gestures remind him of the closeness of their bond.
Show your husband affection, because most husbands are invisible in this world — you are their only source of affection and love. If you want a husband who is mentally, spiritually, and emotionally healthy, understand that he craves this. He will never come and say, honey, I need a hug. He fears coming off as weak. But just as you yearn for affection, so does he. We must be attentive to these unspoken needs.
📿 Four: He Worries About Providing More Than You Know
Your husband worries about providing for the family far more than you realise. Whether he is a doctor or a janitor, whether or not you both work, you do not carry the same mental load.
In Islam, the husband is obligated to provide. When a wife works, she is doing something extra — contributing beyond what Islam requires of her. But the husband sees provision as his duty, and his ability to provide is inextricably tied to his sense of worth. This is why even a wealthy wife is provided for, and even a poor husband married to a rich wife must still go out and work — a wife is never required to financially provide for her husband. The ability to provide, to feel that a family depends on him, is what makes a man feel like a man.
So he carries a heavy burden. There is hardly a husband or father who passes a single day without thinking about the financial future of his family. If anything keeps him up at night, it is the bills — how to give you a more comfortable life, how to provide for the children.
What can a wife do? Appreciate the work and the struggle, whether he is a janitor or a brain surgeon. Imagine how much it would mean to tell him: I see how hard you work for our family. We appreciate you. We make dua that Allah opens doors of rizq for you. Imagine saying: I know we are in a cost-of-living crisis, but don't forget — Allah is the One who provides. Don't worry about the money. You work hard; leave the rest to the Ultimate Provider. Sometimes that single sentence will save a marriage. Yes, provision is his obligation — but obligation does not cancel the need for appreciation and recognition of effort.
🌿 Five: Your Compliments Mean More Than You Think
Compliments from a wife mean more than she knows. Most men are invisible — unless you are the 1%, you are among the 99% who are unseen. Men rarely receive compliments from friends or co-workers; that is simply not how men relate to one another.
Notice the contrast on social media: a sister posts a simple picture and receives five hundred comments — habibti, you are a queen, you are undefeated, the greatest thing Allah ever created — each crowned with rows of hearts. A brother posts his graduation, and the only comment is from his mother. That's it. No one else.
So a husband lives in a world without compliments — which means a wife's words are extraordinarily powerful. He is wearing a nice shirt? Tell him he looks good. He handled something well? Tell him: I am proud of the way you managed that. It makes a real difference, because he is not the only human being with emotions in the relationship.
There was once a great scholar, a prolific researcher who wrote more books than could be counted. His students would praise him and marvel at his work — and sometimes his eyes would fill with tears, and he would say: I wish my wife would say to me what you are saying. I wish she would tell me she is proud of me, that she admires my achievements. It means more than you think.
🩸 Six: He Wants to Feel Desired
Your husband wants to feel desired. A wife might say, I never deny him; whenever he wants intimacy, I respond. But understand that many husbands feel they are always the one who must initiate. If he doesn't initiate, there is no intimacy, no closeness — nothing. And when a husband must always be the initiator, he begins to wonder: maybe the feelings are not mutual.
Just as a wife wants to be actively pursued and wanted, so does a husband. He does not want intimacy to feel like a chore to you. A man can feel the difference between intimacy given out of obligation and intimacy given out of genuine desire. When a man feels unwanted and undesired, he too checks out — especially in a world surrounded by temptation. If he comes home and feels his own wife does not desire him, it erodes his sense of worth.
This is why, when the Prophet (ﷺ) described how a wife should be with her husband, he taught that she should wear her best perfume for him, adorn herself for him, wear her most beautiful garments and finest adornments for him — and then offer herself to her husband, initiating the intimacy and making him feel desired.
Today everything is backwards. At home there is no adornment — everything is off. When she leaves the house, that is when she adorns herself. Islam teaches the opposite: your husband should receive the best of you, and you should downplay your beauty when you go out. Otherwise the husband wonders — what is the point of being married, if you beautify yourself for everyone else but relax only when you come to me? This does not mean a woman must always be adorned — but men notice these things, and the relationship suffers when they are neglected.
🕯 Seven: He Needs Alone Time — and It Isn't Personal
Your husband also needs alone time, and it is not about you. We spoke of his need for silence; sometimes he doesn't only need silence — he needs solitude. Do not interpret his desire to be alone as avoidance.
Men need time to refresh and recharge. It is not healthy to always be attached at the hip; a wife needs time apart too, with her own hobbies and interests, and sometimes a husband needs to be among other men without his wife tagging along.
One of the most underappreciated aspects of the Prophet's life is this: he used to withdraw to the cave to meditate, to worship, to reflect and think. Khadija (ع) did not insist on going with him every time — the Prophet (ﷺ) would go by himself. She understood: I love my husband and I enjoy his company, but I also understand that he needs solitude. We all need solitude. It should never offend you. You need your alone time, and so does he.
⚖️ Eight: Your Words Stick Longer Than You Think
Your words carry great impact and linger far longer than you imagine. In an argument you might insult your husband, or criticise him publicly. He may say nothing — but those words echo in his mind for weeks, months, even years. He is unlikely to tell you that your words hurt him, yet they can cut very deep.
The worst thing a wife can do is publicly ridicule her husband. Do not air his dirty laundry on social media. If you have a criticism, deliver it to him respectfully — and privately. Just as words wound you, they wound him.
Even in anger, anger is not a licence for verbal abuse — and this goes both ways. There are husbands who are verbally abusive to their wives, and there are wives who are verbally abusive to their husbands. We must remember that it is haram to hurt another believing soul. Even if you hate your husband, he remains a mu'min with rights over you. We are not permitted to intentionally hurt one another — it is a sin. So when anger rises, pay attention. Do not assume it's just a word, he'll get over it. Sometimes those wounds never heal.
🌿 Nine: He Loves to Be Appreciated for the Little Things
This one is lighter. Men love to be appreciated for the everyday things they do.
There was a brother who, after perhaps seventeen years, decided to clean the kitchen — he wiped the counters, did the dishes, swiffered the floors — and he was so proud of himself that all day, whoever walked in, he'd say: Isn't it clean in here? Spotless. He was fishing for compliments, and there is nothing wrong with that.
One of Allah's beautiful names is ash-Shakūr — the Most Appreciative. Allah appreciates even the little we do, and on the Day of Judgment we long for Him to acknowledge and reward the smallest of our deeds. Bring that same spirit into your marriage. Your wife brings you tea and remembers the spoon for the sugar — thank her. Your husband charges the car or folds his clothes — acknowledge it. This is how love is built: by recognising and validating small efforts, because that recognition is part of the language of love. And when you validate those small gestures of kindness, they only grow more frequent.
🌙 Ten: He Needs Space to Be Imperfect
Among the most important things a husband wants his wife to understand: he needs space to be imperfect. You are not perfect, and neither is he — and he never will be. You are two imperfect people.
This is why Allah, in the Qur'an, emphasises that marriage must be built on love and mercy. What does mercy mean? It means you forgive. You will both make mistakes. If you are the kind of wife who constantly points out her husband's mistakes, you will create emotional paralysis in the marriage. You are living with a human being who is evolving and developing himself — he is going to stumble along the way.
The Prophet (ﷺ) is described as a mercy to the worlds. You and I likely do not have the capacity to be a mercy to all the worlds — but let us at least be a mercy to our spouses. Be a mercy to your husband. Be a mercy to your wife. Let us at least start there.
There was once an interview with an elderly couple, in their mid-90s, married over seventy years — and they still looked at one another with so much love. Asked their secret, they said they had made a deal at the very start of their marriage, two rules to govern their life together. The first: we are never allowed to go to sleep angry at each other. You hash it out, you work it out — you do not sleep while you are angry. The second, more interesting still: no matter how angry we are, no matter how intense the argument, if one spouse opens their arms and asks for a hug, the other must hug. Even mid-shout, if one opens their arms, you have to embrace.
You can imagine how many times the husband used that rule to get out of jail. But they said it always brought the temperature down. Sometimes they would be furious with each other, one would ask for a hug, and they'd both start laughing — forgetting what they were even fighting about. This is what we need.
We cannot keep coming to communities and hearing that this couple wants a divorce, that this family is falling apart. We can do better. We must do better — for our spouses, for our children, for our grandchildren.
🪦 The Family at Karbala — A Husband, a Father, Leaving Medina
Because when we gather, we are not only remembering the individual who was Imam Hussein (ع). We are remembering the father who was Hussein, the husband who was Hussein. The story of Karbala is a story about family — a family connected to one another, attuned to each other's needs even without speaking.
This is the eve of the second of Muharram. On a night like this, we carry our hearts to Medina, to be with Imam Hussein (ع) as he farewells the city of his birth, the city in which he grew. When he departs, he is not merely leaving a city — he is leaving a lifetime of memories.
After the death of Mu'awiya, Yazid assumed power and immediately sent word to his governor in Medina, demanding the allegiance of Hussein. But someone like Imam Hussein (ع) could never pledge allegiance to someone like Yazid. So the Imam resolved to leave Medina.
Before leaving, he went not to his home but to his favourite place — the grave of the Prophet (ﷺ). He wished to farewell his grandfather. Late one night, at fifty-seven years of age, his hair and beard grey, he stood before the grave of the Messenger of Allah. He returned again on the final night, spending the entire night in salah beside the grave, in worship and intimate conversation with his grandfather, until he went down into sujud. It was very late, and there, in his prostration, Imam Hussein (ع) fell asleep.
And the narrations say he saw a dream. He saw his grandfather, the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ). The Prophet embraced him, kissed him between the eyes, and said to him:
Oh my beloved Hussein — I can see you in the near future, covered in blood, surrounded by people who claim to belong to my community.
And then he said:
Oh Hussein, you are advancing towards us. Very soon you will be reunited with your father, with your mother, and with your brother. We miss you, oh Hussein. We are all waiting for you.
The next day Imam Hussein (ع) told his family to prepare for the journey. The household began packing their bags, the daughters of the Imam preparing to depart Medina. But there was one daughter who was ill — and she came to her father and said: Are you really going to leave me behind? Imagine a little girl sitting alone in a room while everyone else packs, knowing she will not be joining her father.
When I left Vancouver, my eight-year-old daughter hugged me and cried bitterly. I told her, Baba will see you in two weeks. But when Imam Hussein (ع) farewelled his daughter, he could not say I will see you in two weeks — he knew he would never see her again. Any father knows how hard it is to farewell a daughter even for a journey from which he will return. Imagine how difficult it was for Aba Abdillah (ع) to farewell his beloved daughter, knowing the truth.
The women began mounting the caravan. When the daughter of the Imam was preparing to come out of her house, Imam Hussein (ع) called upon the men of Bani Hashim and said: Form a human corridor, so that she comes out protected from every side. When she reached the camel, Abbas (ع) got down on one knee, and she placed her foot upon his knee to mount.
🌙 The Ache of the Return
Now think upon how she mounted the camel on the 11th of Muharram. On the way to Karbala, the women were surrounded by these great men. They would see Abbas (ع) and feel safe. They would see Aba Abdillah (ع) and feel safe. They had their men.
But when the caravan returned to the outskirts of Medina after the battle — Zaynab (ع) cried out. She had set out protected by a human corridor, lifted onto the camel by the knee of Abbas. She returned without them.
This is the family we remember tonight: a husband, a father, a brother, a sister — bound to one another, attuned to one another, even in silence. If we wish to honour them, let us begin in our own homes — by understanding the unspoken needs of those Allah has joined us to, and by being, to one another, a mercy.